So of late i havent been really going thru a good time and to be exact. it has been a non stop roller coaster of emotions of late. FIrst im up than im down. One minute i love you next minute i hate you one minute i want to cuddle you next mind i want to kill you. Now you obiviously get where im coming from right. BUt i have to say without saying names i have had a few good friends that have litterly stood by me thru the test of time and even stood by when i litterly did the exorist 360 headspin while spewing green vomit. Now i bet your all going to ask what exactly is going on. If the truth be told a certain anniversery is coming up and im well having the hardest time dealing with everything. BUt if im being honest here and with myself. I think this bad behaviour is mainly due down to my own insecurities and also the feeling of loss sadness and pain that im going thru.
Now have to say that my friends have been more than good of late with late night talking sessions and also having the comfort of them being there for me when i have been an absolute bitch to them has been good for me and in a way i must have good friends as they havent left me of late. But here is the other side of the coin.
I have to say in my better days im always there for people. whether its issues regarding their personal life bfs/gfs even maybe job issues. I always crack up the wine coffee or beer and get them to spill their guts. After the talk we than come to a answer for the problems and than try and fix them. But of late a certain people that i know hasnt really well been there. I decided to talk to them the other day about this rather personal issue and within 2 mins into the conversation she decided to flip side it on its back. ohhh im not having a good day as well. It was than i kind of felt like ahh FFS there is no point in talking to you and i had to walk away from it all.
But when i did walk away i saw a piece of myself in this person. I went out there ages back and well had dinner with a friend and we were casually shooting the breeze when he brought up some1 i didnt really like at all. I than just took a breath and decided to change the conversation it was than my friend said you really need to stop doing this. I looked at them shocked and said stop what exactly. Flipping the conversation on its head. To make it more appeeling to you its a rather an annoying habit you have. So i took all this in and have to say im now working on this matter as i speak.
But here is my question to all of you? when is it or is it not right to bring up such personal its all about me issues. Now i have to admit i have been going thru a hard time but i have my own reasons for it. yes my behaviour was at times sickening shocking and even at times tears were shed and words were screamed out when they never meant to be. but here is the thing even though i have given a few people hell of late they are still here picking me up and putting me back together like an accordian and im sincerly grateful for that.
But i like to think that we are all each others demons and angels its just really a matter of finding out who is who and what part they play. my friend was part demon in sum ways you cant keep doing this dont keep pushing unless you want the wrong reaction but they were also part angel. the angel part of them said i know your hurting but your only hurting yourself and its making things harder and its also making me harder to stick around with you. it was than when all this was said that i decided to take stock of my life and take a breath breathe and walk away.
But in saying this though i am and always will be forever grateful for the time that this person took out in order to look out for me listen to me and even well made sure that i was ok and im more than thankful for this.