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Monthly Archives: March 2013

when trying sometimes isn’t maybe enough

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What do you mean i dont try i do try. Ahh but you see you never try with me i think somethings you can not be arsed to do anything. When you do decide to do this little thing called trying and putting in the effort than get back to me. That was the last i heard from a friend of mine. It was words like that me me think huh thats it than.

Sorry i better rewind here a little while back i have been going through a pretty tough time of late and well in the last few months i have been in my vicious circle of arguing screaming crying than if i can see clearly through it all a little bit of a truce and time out is called. But than again it all starts again and yes even at times i feel like putting down the ammo and walking away from it all. but if i do say for example i walk away than who is to say to me ohh you blew your last chance with me so get f**ked and leave me alone.  It does go without saying we all have each others and can yes even be each others angels and demons and it really depends on what side you feed in order to get a good idea in where and how we get things done.

But sadly of late i have been feeding the demons and giving into their every whim and even sneered out comments dagger eyes with dirty looks and even the whole fuck you world thing as well. I guess i don’t have an explanation  for this bs bad behavioral  I just sadly think hmm ok maybe im feeding this demon maybe because i dont deserve happiness. sadly this demon has made me into a horrible nasty  narcissistic evil little head spinning w****. In saying this im no way proud of this feeling and i feel like f**k me why do i let this happen.

In saying this though the ancient indians still now to this day say the following we have 2 wolves inside the good wolf wants love compassion happiness and well will do anything to keep that happiness. The bad wolf though is evil mean sad and thinks its ok to use and abuse others and run them into the ground. Now this would also all depend on how and which wolf you feed and there fore it will make you more aware of the life you may lead and the choices that you make.

But in saying this though it is at times very hard to tread the board so to speak and yes even think ok i need to make a change to things and soon because i know that i will be lonely sad bitter and even on my own. Now that i say that i even get filled with my own sense of dread fear and sadness as well which does make me think. Yes i need to seriously change for the better and soon. Wish me luck in this

 

 
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Posted by on 03/31/2013 in daily rants

 

my life my choices

 

 

So as it would appear of late i have seen recent life changes with friends and colleagues of late. In no certain order i have seen new couples getting together i have seen people leaving the country i have even seen new babies being born and even im lucky i have even seen people getting new digs and starting a new life elsewhere and yes i have even sadly lost a few people that i have known as well.

But with all these changes in other peoples lives i can say that im happy for them all. hey congrats on your new job getting together with your other half having a child and or moving house to say the least i am happy for you all. But in saying that i do feel the slight pressures of these things especially now of late. A friend of mine has even said to me ohh do you not think maybe its time for you know to consider your options and maybe consider your next move in life. It was than something inside me hit me. I dont feel the pressure of wanting to do all of the above not yet no its not because im afraid of commitment but i think i know that within myself im happy where i am now. I think i can safely say that im 31 im in a good place with good friends around me a gorgeous furbaby doggy who loves me so much and I even have my own house and im not tired down to a mortgage that i will be paying until ten years after i breathe my last breath.

But while others are doing all these changes i do feel like that i dont need to have this or anything else for that matter. Its not that im afraid commitment i’m just like ok if the dice rolls and fortunes favour to my own way than that’s all well and good.   I do however dislike it though when people put these thoughts in my head that i really need to settle down act responsible and even yes get married and have children. Dont get me wrong i do think about things like that from time to time. I even have my own wedding music playlist on itunes and even think about moving abroad from time to time in order to raise my family. But again this is far far far away into the future. Than its all good. I do think that i am a live for the moment kind of girl and try and not make to much plans into my future. I think if im lucky i just try and make plans maybe a few days in advance say weekend plans or even plans for special events and occasions. For other events that may take careful precise planning timing and also at times funding as well. i think im lucky i do have a few events that i would partake yearly in with a friend. But again it also depends on how things go.

I know from experience in the past i have made plans for events but again i would maybe say a few months down the road ohh i dont know if i can partake in this event due to reasons that i would give. Its not a bad thing on my part its just sometimes i think hmm do i really want to do this. But i have changed this and now i go ahead with certain events and go full throttle with everything and have fun along the way. I even make sure to take the photos and post them on social networking sites. But now that im getting to a point in my life in where i think carefully now about everything. Even though everyone around me is getting married having children and yes even moving in together or moving away i think im more about what i can do for my own life. I do think that maybe i will do the whole seibang and get married have children and what not but right now i’m about having fun.

I think for now though i would be happy to have something to look forward to like certain events holidays even have the appearance of certain people coming out and coming over to see me and sheps and yes i even intend to try and even partake in new and interesting things and even try new foods. But just because i dont want to settle down now does not mean i dont think about it. I do think about it but again I’m young and i want to maybe have a life first travel eat drink and have fun along the way before i do all that and more. After all you only have one life and i think that i owe it to myself to well enjoy it and live it to the best possible way i can.

 

 
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Posted by on 03/29/2013 in daily rants