ghosts of our past

23 Nov



So as you may all know an inpending anniversery of a dearly loved and lost loved one that belong to me is coming up in exactly two weeks time. So on the 3rd of december it will be one year to the day that my mum well went to her final place up in heaven and no doubt she had dad waiting for her there. So i shall be writing this piece in both their honour and it also helps that i have been thinking about her mostly of late. So here goes nothing.

So its been a year since mum left me and have to say if im being brutely honest here it hasnt been exactly the most fun year i have put in. Between the crying the lying the temper tantrums and also screaming matches i still can actaully say that i do still miss my mum a lot. I think if anything what i have learned in this past year is the following. If you say to someone shes in a better place you are most likely to get yelled and even at times punched at. Time is well a sort of good healer but can pass by like a ticking clock that is loud annoying and you just want to take the batteries out so you can stop hearing it. Also it does help to deal with your issues and or inner demons to your own ways and not to listen to others.

I think in a way mums death could have nearly killed me but it didnt. It kind of made me sad really. Sadly a lot of people dropped me a some people even just plain avoided me and even at times they question the very being that was me. When it came to doing things that were out of character example one being well wearing her hoody. Well why not wear her stuff its a reminder of her and she would have wanted me to wear it. But i think though i am dealing with her death well in the right way. I mean i dont remember been given a hardbook on the dummys guide of dealing with a beverment but i have to say i deal with her death the best way i can.

One example of me dealing with her death is by remembering the good times and the little things she did. I always remember the little efforts that she did for both me and shep and even now to this day miss her checking in on me when im in bed asleep at night. But what i really do miss about her is her little ways of doing things her little shuffle moments in the kitchen making her little sandwiches and always taking the dog into her room and watching her house and walking dead shows.

But of late though i have been thinking about her a lot and with my own personal issues going o at the present moment i know she would litterly kick my arse and say ohh jesus christ get it together already and stand up for yourself. Even though she was only 5 ft 3 inches she would still go thru with her tongue lashings and a clip across the ear.

But i think though since her death i have lost a huge part of myself and have become withdrawn and distant as anything. I have even lost weight and even at times lost who i am as a person. I have let certain things slide and in a way i have and did loose control in a bad way a few times. now does this make me a bad person no. It makes me well think im not perfect but i think i would need to well get myself back together and soon as only i can put myself back together and not fall apart again.  In saying this though i have to say i am grateful for the people who have been there for me and even well given me chances even when other people would have walked away. Some would call this a blessing i think when it comes to me having these people in my life its just really sheer luck of the draw.


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Posted by on 11/23/2012 in Uncategorized


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